Life had brought us to the point where at least one of us had advanced to thinking about the next steps of becoming a parent. While I would have considered surrogacy with ease one year ago, the idea of not birthing my own baby was unbearable- more so after knowing what it feels to see a life grow inside of you. What was more intimidating was the feeling of failure- to an extent where a decision that should have been made by both parents, somehow had shifted to a single parent. I felt left down and decided to stand for what my heart wanted. My heart wanted to try one final Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET) before moving on to surrogacy. I had laid down my decision very firmly.
But deep down inside, the fear of yet another failed cycle lingered. The tussel of heart and mind was intense. The heart still wanted to give it one final try and the mind revolted that it would mean another year lost in the process, more financial setback and more emotional trauma. And then a part of the mind would think- even if the cycle failed, I would be more content that I followed my heart and given it a try. Never once did the mind think about the bright side of a successful FET- it was the effect of almost 8 years of negative experiences- one after the other just growing in intensity with each unsuccessful cycle & each failed pregnancy.
Nearly a month had passed since the loss of my twins and I had still not come to terms with God. I had started questioning the existence of God- a concept we all believe in without having seen Him. I wondered where my babies were- had they attained salvation or did they take a rebirth? I needed answers to my questions. One fine day in October, sitting in the fall sun in my backyard, I challenged God to come and answer my questions if He had the guts to face me after giving me so much sorrow.
Dramatically, two days later, I get a call informing me of a sudden visit from my Sadguru to the U.S. God had accepted my challenge. I requested my husband to come along with me to seek His blessings. For the first time in 8 years, he agreed- perhaps he had been torn to the same extent as me. We traveled to Colorado to pay our visit and seek His blessings. I really was unsure if my heart would muster enough courage to ask about my lost twins.
That morning, we got an opportunity to sit with His son in his hotel room and have a candid chat. I naively asked him if my twins had achieved salvation because they did not do any karma while they were inside of me- the only karma they would have done would be good ones because of all the religious texts I had read to them. He closed his eyes momentarily and said that they were still around. He explained to us the concept of different types of karmas- sanchit, prarabdh, kriyamaan, aagami & vikarm. I silently prayed that the positivity of my prayers remain with them wherever they were in the universe.
Throughout the day, we met many devoted followers of Sadguru. Some knew about our miscarriage and shared their condolences, some just struck a random conversation. My heart did not lie in any of these, and I just wanted to have a glimpse of my Sadguru, lay in His feet and cry my heart out. Finally, in the evening, my husband and I got a chance to do His darshan. I had wanted a quiet moment with Him alone in the room, and without my open request, everyone present in the room slowly walked out. There was somebody in the bedroom ironing some clothes, but other than that we were very blessed to get a one on one darshan.
I bowed at His holy feet. My one month of indignation melted down my cheeks in the form of tears. My mouth would not utter a word. I just sat there quietly sobbing. My husband then spoke. He told that by Almighty’s grace we had everything, but a child, and asked Sadguru to bless us with a child. Silence prevailed in the room. Finally, I asked Sadguru if my twins were still around? Not that I doubted His son, but that is the only thing that came out of my mouth. He closed His eyes for a bit then said that the twins were still around. The answers did not vary. Silence prevailed for some more time and then we bowed to His holy feet and left.
The following morning, we all assembled at the breakfast table & I was lucky to be able to bring my Sadguru some breakfast. I also got to meet Mata Ji, His wife. Mata Ji was in the company of an elderly lady who had attained a lot of experiences in her spiritual journey. The lady asked me if I had any kids and I somberly replied that I had lost my twins a month back. I showed them the photos on my phone and they looked unhappy. The lady asked me to pray to Mata Ji to escalate our matter to Sadguru. I did. Mata Ji asked me to continue my prayers and meditation and assured me that she too would pray for me. My heart was filled with gratitude for these two mother like figures.
We participated in Hawan (a ritual to fulfill worldly desires) in the holy presence of Sadguru. My husband & I wouldn’t wish for anything other than the joy of a baby in our lives.
The following evening, we drove to the airport to say goodbye to Swami Ji and His family. Other followers who were accompanying Him to New Jersey, went to park their cars in the parking garages after dropping them at the departure gate. My husband asked me to get down at the departure gate to assist them with the boarding process, while he went to park the car. I did. After obtaining the boarding passes, for the one last time on that trip, I bowed at the feet of my Sadguru in complete surrender with an honest unsaid prayer in my heart. What He said, resounds clear without an iota of doubt in my mind till date. He said, “This time everything will be alright”. Hearing these words felt like I had just seen the first ray of sunlight after being in a dungeon all these years. I knew within that my last attempt at FET would work against all odds. I knew my Sadguru’s words would not fail me, and his power would protect me. I knew that because during the last FET, he had always told me to practice patience and self control- even when I was pregnant without any complications. All my fears vanished- I knew that everything would be alright.
We took the flight back home the next morning. On the flight I told my husband what Sadguru told me the previous evening. His smirk said what he thought of Godmen. I didn’t care. We reached home and that evening my husband said that our green cards (permanent residency) had been approved. In about a week we received our green cards. The entire process took us about 1.5 months, where others who had filed under the same category as ours had waited 3–6 months. I smiled silently. I was counting my blessings- they had just begun.
Green card authorized me to work in this country without any restrictions. The very next morning I started updating my resume & cover letter and started applying for jobs. By mid November, I accepted the first job offer that came my way. We were a small department, and I was blessed to have friendly, hard working colleagues who mentored me and helped me develop new skill sets. They transcended to become friends and guides. The new busy life at work kept me occupied enough to think about the sad things that often. It came as a blessing in disguise.
I gradually started attending get togethers and birthday parties. Socializing didn’t seem that bad. Yet, I did not go back to my social media accounts- partially because of dearth of time. I was getting over my loss without trying hard. Life was getting back on track.
